2008 Woodie Awards
Election could bring childish policies
Rodney Wren
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Braving the inevitable midnight knock on the door, Lyn Davis Lear, the wife of activist/TV genius Norman Lear, proposed on the Huffington Post blog that angry citizens "take it to the streets" if the sweet anticipated victory is snatched away by the Cheney-Rove overlords. Lear quoted Gore Vidal's dark view: If the election went against them, "the Bush-Cheney henchmen could simply call on martial law." No doubt. One last election, a few cleansing rounds from the Brownshirt burp guns, and it's the Reich Stuff for us and our descendants.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D., Calif.) gave an interview in which she set forth the broad new agenda, just in case martial law is not declared: "The gavel of the speaker of the House is in the hands of special interests, and now it will be in the hands of America's children." She went on: "I don't mean to imply my male colleagues will have any less integrity... . But I don't know that a man can say that as easily as a woman can."
Without bursting into laughter? Look, everyone's in favor of children, but it's not as if the Bush administration shuttered schools and whipped the waifs back into the coal mines. Many people with children, moreover, believe children are a personal responsibility. They believe the federal government should devote itself to things it is better equipped to do, like building an anti-missile shield to keep squat Korean sociopaths from dropping nukes on elementary schools. (Pelosi is opposed to missile defense, apparently preferring to deploy teachers who would scold the missiles off target.)
But perhaps this is what America wants after five years of inconclusive war: not President Dad dealing with the bogeymen abroad and at home, but National Mom, turning the might and majesty of the U.S. government toward the expansion of the school lunch program.
We're told the Democrats have an agenda - in the first 100 days, Congress will overturn the accumulated horrors of the Bush regime. (Except for Reagan's funeral. They'll let that stand.) A preview follows.
Day 1: Party like it's 1992; citizenship for all Gitmo detainees; a blanket amnesty; and a "Circle of Healing" ceremony held on the Capitol steps.
Day 2: The troops in Iraq will leave, walking in reverse, as if someone is playing the tape backwards; special construction brigades will quickly repair all the buildings destroyed since the 2003 invasion; and the last American out will reinstall Saddam. Thereafter, whenever someone criticizes America for invading Iraq, we'll look quizzical and say we don't know what they're talking about.
Day 3: Bush tax cuts repealed, so the upper 10 percent in income pay 67 percent of all federal taxes instead of 66 percent. That will make all the difference.
Day 4: Peace Corps sent en masse to Middle East to apologize personally to everyone and hand out gas-soaked flags and matchbooks. Burn one on us! Don't you love us now?
Day 5: Peace Corps Hostage Negotiation Unit commissioned.
Day 6: Gay marriage legalized by congressional voice vote, so no one has to go on record.
Days 7-100: Impeachment hearings. Sure, Pelosi has said she's against them. But as she promised: The children will be in charge. They're cranky if they don't get their way.
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