The Advance

Issue date: 2/16/07 Section: Entertainment

Media Credit: Tanner Colvin Matt Schwan and Thomas Nazworth rehearse for the play, "Godspell," at the Fitzpatrick Auditorium in Sams Hall of Fine Arts. The musical runs Feb. 22-25, showing at 7:30 p.m. from Thursday to Saturday and 2:00 p.m. on Sunday.

When I am king of this land, I will create laws to reverse the wearing of clothing. That's right, turn your shirts inside out. Ladies: you know that beautiful dress that you wore to Winter Formal last Friday? Well, you would've worn it with the stitching in full view, shiny side in. Basketball players: be prepared to see your number in a mirror because your jerseys will also have to be flipped. Not to be left out, police officers will have to hide those badges of which they are so proud. Heck, we'll even go so far as to wear our underwear and socks on the outside of our pants, as well as undershirts and bras on top of our reversed shirts. So what if it might be uncomfortable?

Here's another law that will be forthcoming:
No one will be allowed in public without make-up, men included. If you don't wear it already, get used to it. Guys, it's not fair that girls have to hide their zits to get a date and you don't. So, now you will have to wear make-up. Heck, make-up is what helps music video artists look so great. Once these changes are made, you will able to look that good, too. Imagine all the extra dates that you'll get!

One last law for this installment of my edict-ifying column that is giving you all a preview of the days to come when I am king: the entire culture will be made to be stoic and stone-faced. (For those of you who think that I'm using big words to confuse you, I had to look up stoic because I wasn't sure what it meant.) If you feel pain, you will have to hide it. If you're happy, you can't laugh. I don't want anyone in my kingdom to ever feel uncomfortable or read each other's emotions. Actually, no, let's go even farther: all of my subjects will be forced to carry a mask of themselves making an emotionless face. If you try to hold back your emotions and just can't do it, you can grab the mask that you will be forced to wear around your neck [so that it hangs over your bra or undershirt which partially covers your inside-out T-shirt] and put it over your face so that you will save yourself from going into prison.

If you're afraid of these laws, I suggest that you start practicing the mandates. Once you start doing so, you will love it. (But, remember, you're not allowed to show it.) I guarantee you that it will be all the rage after I start enforcing the laws. Philosophers might even start saying that it's part of human nature to wear clothes inside out. Scientists will think it's an evolutionary advancement that humans start looking radically different all at once … ahh … I can't wait for those days. Just imagine me, perfect me, sitting there on the throne with my crown upside down. The best part of it is: no one will be able to laugh at me because everyone will look just as silly.

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